Body Mind Spirit

Body     Mind     Spirit

Jing      Qi          Shen

The Buddha said that with our thoughts we create our world.

I emphasize the strength of Shen over Qi, and Qi over Form.

When we know ourselves as and reside in the source, or Spirit, we are no longer limited by the filters of our own interactive perception.

At the level of qi, when our energy is being pulled into our subconscious beliefs, we project this onto a world that is only a projection of our internal state of consciousness.

When we interact only at the level of form, believing that the manifest world is all there is, we have made ourselves small and weak, needing protection. Very little can change at this level. When we can see through and beyond our present limiting patterns of perception, we actually change the way the world appears and the way in which we interact in it.

True change happens at the Source/Spirit level, and opens up our filters of perception so that we are not limited by the manifest world. In the image above, the yellow color could be seen as the illuminating source of existence itself that shows up at the energy level, and at the level of manifestation. Thus, when we know our own source, the way we interact in the manifest world opens up to that light, and reflects it. This source energy is in everything that shows up in the manifest world. When we recognize it, the manifestation opens up to that spiritual axiom that every atom contains the entire universe.

When we change the way we perceive things, the things we perceive change.

So, what does this have to do with fertility? Everything. The way that your potential is manifest is through the hypothalamic filter that causes your hormones to manifest in the way they do. You simply cannot change your hormones at the level of the body. The qi of perception must change, that the light of spirit shines through. Then, as the Taoist origins of Chinese medicine suggest, you embody the spirit of evolution. You are creation itself.

This is not as daunting as it might appear. It is the very essence of what we attempt to accomplish at retreat. Then we work with the body at the level to support these modifications at the level of spirit and energy, rather than the other way around.

Absolute vs. Relative

For the purpose of our discussion of where babies come from, we could say that all life begins in the Absolute, or Tao. We can also call it the unborn, or that which has not yet been made manifest. Yet once things are made manifest, they operate via specific and inviolate laws that govern existence or that which we see – the manifest world. The manifest world is governed by laws such as relativity: E = mc2.

When we can’t explain some particular phenomenon according to these natural laws, we call it “a miracle.” It seems to have defied the laws of gravity, relativity, or thermodynamics.

The study of the entirety of existence is referred to as cosmology. Yet, when we are dealing with where it comes from, we call it cosmogony. TCM views the body as a microcosm of the macrocosm. This is the view of the manifest, cosmological world. It governs the forward movement of the interaction of the elements. Yet, when we are dipping into the Unborn, we are delving into cosmogony – where pre-heavenly and post-heavenly essence intersect in order to bring a new possibility into existence.

This doesn’t only happen when babies are born. It happens when any new possibility emerges which had not been. We see it all the time – a new insight changes the way you view things. Something previously hidden comes into view. Spontaneous remissions from incurable diseases. In all these cases, the Absolute was made relative.

Einstein, who fathered the theory of relativity, spent his life looking for the unifying principle, beyond the relative, that would link all of existence. The relative world can be explained by the friction of opposites, yin and yang. Egg and sperm. Good and bad. Father and mother. Right and wrong. There is something to the left of the equal sign and something  else relating to it on the right. Yet right in the center of the equal sign is something that can’t be measured, something which can’t be put on either side, yet shows up on both sides. It defies science, because it is beyond that which can be segmented and studied. It unifies. It is the source. It is love.

Love is that which gives rise to all of existence. This is not the gooey emotional love. This is the fierce spark that ignites life, which then vibrates into the opposing forces – male and female, love and hate, fear and safety. This love is unconditional. It is beyond all conditions, and yet shines through them all.

So, the source of this love vibrated into the desire for a child to be made manifest. At one side of the equation is child (love), and the other side of the equation is no child (fear). Yet, where did the desire come from? Did you make it happen or did it arise on its own from the source? Can you trust it without taking it into the place of opposites and perceived control – where you think the manifest world is in charge? Can you let it go and return to its source, that arises from your own heart, and leave the outcome to Love itself?

A Doctor’s Role in Fertility

I just finished our annual retreat with our Continuing Excellence in Fertility Professionals, where we combine personal introspection, TCM education, qi gong, and a Taoist view of the elements. The universal view of the order that govern all of life is:

The Blood follows the Qi.

The Qi follows the Xin (Heart/Mind)

The Xin follows the Shen (Spirit)

The Shen follows the Tao.

In this model, Blood = the physical body, and the mental and emotional functions which it embodies. It is the last in line. When we, as practitioners, work at the “blood” level, we are relatively inefficient if we are not concurrently working at the energetic level of the heart’s wisdom, which follows the workings of the spirit, which is the universal Way of all things.

When a doctor is trying to manipulate the Blood level while neglecting the other levels, there is no therapeutic change. While the form may adjust itself slightly, when there is no change at the level of Qi and higher, there will be no lasting change at the manifest or Blood level.

You cannot change egg quality by working only at the level of the blood. Therefore, changing your diet and taking supplements while neglecting the way you respond to the world will have little effect. If your energetic reaction to the world is one of stress, protection, and survival instinct, it will lock the Blood level in place. Changing your diet, then, while improving the level of manifestation, will not reach the level of potentiality, which is of Spirit.

A doctor at retreat asked me, “So what’s the use?” Why do we use acupuncture, herbs, diet, and lifestyle adjustments if all true change happens at the level of spirit?

The answer is that we work at the level of the Blood and Qi in order to bring someone into the recognition of true changes that occur at the Shen level. If a doctor is not accessing the Spirit level, true transformation is not possible – only slight manipulation of the form. While at the level of Blood, we may improve the menstrual flow somewhat, lower FSH temporarily, and improve mental outlook for a cycle or two, these changes will not be lasting. They will not reach the level of potentiality, which is of Spirit.

The Nei Jing tells us, “Of course, before needling, we must be rooted in Spirit.” If your doctor is not rooted in spirit – her own and yours, she is practicing at the level of Blood. The ancients called these practitioners “technicians.” While they could diagnose and needle, they didn’t have the power to transform.

All true transformation occurs at the level of the Heart, which houses the Spirit, which gives rise to all potentiality. Here, egg and sperm quality change. Hope is a palpable force, not a weak begging the universe for what you want. The heart opens to allow all possibility. This is true healing; a doctor’s highest role.

Where Do Babies Come From? - A Taoist View, Part II

The father’s essence stirs the mother’s heavenly essence as the palace of the child is readied. The endometrium emits chemicals into the cavity of the womb to invite the embryo to share in this earthly existence. If the invitation is accepted, a portal is opened up through which the cosmic qi is ignited. Heaven and earth combine, and the creation of a new individual has begun. During the first trimester, the Po (corporeal soul) is being formed as the channels and organs develop. In the second trimester, the Shen (spirit) is programmed to establish the upcoming curriculum or meaning of life, which will be stored in the blood. During the third trimester, the Hun (ethereal soul) establishes how the program is to be carried out.

Each stage of fetal development carries a beautiful interface between the parent’s life and the baby’s spiritual unfolding.  The mother’s energies must be strong enough to contain the great movement occurring within the depths. Her liver must have the blood reserves for the womb to initiate the development of the embryo’s essence. Her spleen must be strong enough to contain the embodied banking of manifestation.  At seven months gestation, the stars open the orifices (sensory organs) to absorb light from heaven and earth. The heart is harmonized and energetic boundaries are established. Heaven and earth settle within the lower chamber of essence (the Dan Tien), and the birth process is initiated as the child is ready to be released into the world.

The mother cannot alter the baby’s curriculum. She is only the channel through which the being has chosen to manifest. It is through her heart that she communicates with her baby.  The highest job she can perform is to remove her own physical, mental, and emotional obstructions so that the baby’s entrance into the earthly realm is not cluttered by her unfinished business. Only then can their souls be in union, unclouded by her needs. In this way, she is in service to her child.

During gestation, the father’s job is to ready the world for the baby’s arrival. In Chinese lore, the father’s interaction with the child begins when the child first laughs. When he recognizes the character of his baby, the father names the child.

In the words of Kahlil Gibran:

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Where Do Babies Come From? – A Taoist View, Part I

There are two ways to answer this – one based on form, one based on what animates form. We will focus on the latter, which to me is the only answer that holds substance.  According to the Hua Hu Ching, “If we remain obsessed with seeds and eggs, we are married to the fertile reproductive valley of the Mysterious Mother, but not to her immeasurable heart and all knowing mind.”

The seeds and eggs are the blueprint through which the immeasurable Heart and Mind of the universal creative power (which the Taoists called the “Mysterious Mother”) animates existence. This is what brings forth life. You can have seeds and eggs galore, but if the spark of life is not ignited, even perfect “Grade A” blastocysts do not become babies.

Western medicine is obsessed with seeds and eggs, and is therefore married to the reproductive valley. It excels in trying to perfect the blueprint; yet it is not the blueprint that brings forth life. It is the animating force that enlivens the blueprint.

Three months prior to ovulation/ejaculation, chromosomes within the seeds and eggs are aligning themselves based on the internal messages that the universe is conveying from outside to inside through the parent’s interpretation of their environment. This cannot be controlled or manipulated. It can, however, be adjusted, as an individual’s consciousness opens to higher possibility. At ovulation, if the essence of both parents have resulted in harmonious fusion, an invitation is sent out to the cosmos.

About a week later, cosmic qi will either initiate a reverse energetic cycle to create a new individual being, or the forward energetic cycle of continuation will bring on the menses and a new cycle will begin. The former initiates a movement into “pre-heavenly essence” through which new manifestation can emerge; the later will issue the continuance of the post-heaven (or earthly) cycle.

The endocrine system, which governs the hormones - chemical response to an individual’s environment, is governed by this forward energetic movement. The gynecological or menstrual cycle, gives rise to the reverse energetic system. Where these two meet is where the invitation to life is ignited.

When a woman becomes pregnant, the forward post heaven movement in her body (water -> wood -> fire -> earth -> metal) meets with the reverse pre-heaven movement in her baby, responsible for the great activity of pregnancy. We could summarize it as follows:

Prenatal Creation (Embryology)

Water – sexual energy of the parents combine

Metal – celestial qi is called in from the universe

Earth – gives substance

Fire – provides movement

Wood – initiates birth into the post heavenly realm

At this level, deep within the womb of the Mysterious Mother, forces beyond our control are taking place to set up the individual for his or her upcoming life. Only when the mother is able to step out of her mind-based earthly world and move into the pre-heavenly realm, she has access to the mystery, where the spiritual curriculum of the individual’s upcoming life is being established.

The Return

The Way of the Tao is YieldingThe Movement of the Tao is Return.

This time of year represents the beginning of the annual return. Life moves from the external abundance of the harvest, and into the potential within that will give rise to the next cycle of fulfillment.

Nights will get longer as days get shorter. Weather patterns become more erratic. Yet there is great potential during the return. In the menstrual cycle, the return is the junction ? through the menstrual cycle where the cosmic qi, deep within the womb, is ignited to bring forth life. Invisible and beyond control, when we honor the return, we open up to the fertile potential of the origin itself.

I hope you will be able to join us for one of our upcoming return retreats, where together we will maximize the potential of the return and its ability to bring forth the unimaginable powers of creation itself.

Newcomers and returners are welcome.

With love and blessings,

Randine

Confidence vs. Confusion

Carrie was utterly confused and disheartened when her doctor, the one in whom she had utmost confidence, told her he didn’t think she could have her own child. Confident – “with fidelity”  To have trust or assurance.

Confusion – “with fusion”   To mingle together. A state of bewilderment or lack of clarity.

In any uncertain journey, the mind looks for something to trust; something worthy of assurance. This is confidence. This state of having fidelity, however, has more to do with what can be counted on without fail - something worthy of fidelity. Confusion, on the other hand, means that we have fused ourselves to something that is not worthy of our fidelity. We have lost ourselves in that which changes, leaving us feeling lost.

With confidence there is clarity. With confusion there is bewilderment.

On the fertility journey, there is no more uncomfortable place than feeling lost and confused. When we have bonded ourselves to the changeable; linked our hope to something which is uncertain, there is an innate sense of something being wrong; something feeling uncertain. Feelings of doubt arise, like “maybe this is the wrong course of action.”

So, what is worthy of fidelity? Can you trust a certainty in a particular course of action? Can you trust, with absolute, unfailing certainty, an individual doctor or clinic? Can you have 100 % trust and assurance that things will turn out the way you envision in your mind? No, No, and No. You cannot trust that which is untrustworthy. Every single person, place, thing, and situation, because it is changeable and fallible, has the potential for letting you down, and your heart knows it. You cannot trust anything without. The Tao te Ching reminds us that The Movement of the Tao is return.

Chinese medicine is based upon the premise: All diseases arise from the heart. Therefore, all cures come from the heart. Any state without ease means we are not right with the heart, which houses the spirit. We have placed our reliance on the changeable. We will, therefore, feel confused.

Because there is an inherent longing for something that we can count on with assurance, the mind will look outside for what it can count on. Again and again, external seeking will fail. Until we find that which is infallible, to which we can pledge our undying loyalty, we remain lost and confused. The only answer, the only true resting place is within the heart, which carries the spirit, our true self.

I tell stories of women, previously lost on the fertility journey, who have found this place of fidelity within and trust it completely. They remove their assurance from others. They remove their shaky reliance on doctors, their well meaning partners, family and friends, and lastly from the fallibility of the changing mind. They trust their hearts, the source of love, the source from which the desire to bring forth life arises. And always, always, it proves worthy of fidelity.  Perhaps, right now, in the midst of whatever confusion you may be experiencing, the spirit of your future child is leading you to a place of inner fidelity.

Holding Your Dream

Hope is the thing with feathersThat perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all. -Emily Dickinson

When your dream hasn’t become a reality, do you continue to pursue it, or do you let it go? Many people I have worked with over the years have great difficulty relating to their dream when it remains elusive. Some continue to hold it tightly, and pursue it with everything they have; others let it slip away, little by little, until there is nothing left but despair.

A dream, a goal, a vision pursued, is a function of the right brain, governed by the Liver system of energies, according to Chinese medicine. We create an image in our mind’s eye, and muster up the energy and resources to pursue it. The desire often becomes a reality. But not always. Difficulty arises when we hold tightly to desire and don't let it go. Most liver qi stagnation is caused by the resistance to unfulfilled desires. Look back over your life and recall all of the desires you have had. Have they all become a reality? Not mine. When I was ten, I wanted to live on a ranch in Montana with my husband and three kids and be a roller skating waitress at a drive-in. When I was a teenager, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my first boyfriend. When I started college, I decided to major in journalism. None of these deeply held dreams came to fruition, but that doesn’t mean they were wrong.  Life molded itself so that my life could fulfill its destiny; not so I would get all that I wanted in the way I wanted it.

When life doesn’t participate with you according to the way you are holding your dream, perhaps you need to hold it differently. Perhaps the thing with feathers that is perched in the soul is molding you, rather than the other way around.

Don’t give it words; don’t give it an image. Let it provide one for you. Open your heart to allow hope to speak in its own language. My longing for children was not a mistake, but the way I pursued it was. I thought I could make it happen according to my timeline, in my way. My children came in their own way. The dreams I held in my heart guided me – I didn’t guide them. My children didn’t come because of my desire or what I did with it. True desires are unselfish and emerge from the heart – the same place through which our fertility comes forth.

Hold the feeling of the dream in your heart. Let it sing its wordless tune through your heart and guide you to its fruition.

Fertility Supplement Call Series

Join us for our most informative conference call series, as Dr. Lewis reveals the most important supplements for specific fertility related cases.  A not-to-be missed series that will answer your questions and leave you confident with your vitamin choices. Conference Call schedule:

General Nutritional Supplementation for Fertility and Ovarian Health:

August 8th at 8 p.m. EST

Endometriosis Supplementation:

August 12th at 2 p.m. EST

PCOS & Sugar Metabolism:

August 19th at 2 p.m. EST

Call-In Instructions:

To join in dial 605-475-4000 then access code 794774#. Those calling from Canada should call 805-360-1075 and then you will be prompted to enter the original number and access code.

1. Please DON'T announce your name when you dial in - there will be many callers on the line and the conference call may have already begun.

2. Immediately press *6 to MUTE your phone line (or use the Mute button on your phone) - this will prevent any unnecessary background noise and static on the line. You can press *6 to unmute your line once the call is opened up for discussion.

3. There are only 100 callers allowed on the call - make sure to call-in early to reserve your space.

4. Please keep topics and questions during the discussion related to the specific call.

Red Thread

There is an ancient Chinese legend about the red thread of destiny. In the midst of the chaos of life, and seemingly random events, according to myth, the gods tie an invisible red thread around the ankles of those that are destined to meet each other in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way. They might become lovers or partners; they might work together or become lifelong friends. One might help another to open their life in miraculous ways. But we can be sure, there is no mistake in our meeting. The further on in life we go, the less random it seems. We can recognize the interconnectedness of everything. We see that even in the midst of overwhelm, there are certain patterns to the workings of life. These patterns are easy to recognize in nature – predictable changes in seasons, weather patterns, growth and life cycles, the way flowers bloom in predictable ways, the perfect spiral of a sea shell…

Eight days after the eighth full moon of each year, the coral reefs spawn throughout the seas, beginning the predictable but hidden renewal of ocean life. The entire universe runs by the laws of nature. So do you. Have you ever met someone and immediately recognized each other as if you had always known each other? Red thread.

Have you ever felt like your whole world was falling apart, like everything you cherished and held dear was crumbling, but didn’t know why or what was on the horizon? A few months or years later, it was clear how destiny was unfolding perfectly. As the old pattern was being destroyed, a new pattern was emerging. More red thread action.

It’s hard to fathom that we are not controlling every aspect of our lives. We tend to get stuck in our beliefs about the way it’s all “supposed to be.” And we lose sight of the fact that it is always working for our highest good. We reach out for something that is within. Your life up to this point has not gotten off track. You haven’t waited too long, missed the right opportunity, or messed up your destiny in any way. The longing for a child is even divinely given. Here is a test: just see if you can get rid of it. If you were in charge of your destiny, you would either be able to manifest a child, or annihilate the desire. You can’t do either. It is being done. You can, however, let go into the miraculous flow of life itself so that it may happen.

A woman I recently worked with, now pregnant, told me that every moment of her life seemed to bring her to the point where this miracle could occur. Every setback, every doctor’s negative diagnosis, every high FSH reading, every sleepless night, was not a mistake. It proved to her that the faith in her heart was stronger than any external circumstance. Red thread.

Retreat Reflections

We just finished an amazingly transformative retreat. It continues to put me in awe when those struggling with “infertility” open up to their true fertility, and become liberated. It isn’t that they let go of trying to have a baby; they let go of the struggling, suffering and agony over not having a baby. Somehow, this helps open the way. One woman who shared that she and her husband love being Fertile Souls, said: “I have experienced a profound shift in my consciousness in regards to what is possible for me, both as future mother and as a woman who strives to be fully expressed.”

Another woman responded after the group-healing circle, “This is, hands down, the best acupuncture I have ever had.”

When couples arrive on retreat, often there is so much pain and despair that this type of shift would seem impossible for them. All that is necessary is the right environment for the heart to open, the body to respond, and life to come pouring through.

I always leave retreat feeling so full – wishing, as they do, that retreat would never end. But life goes on. We return to our lives and our jobs; which oftentimes become transformed by the retreat experience as well.

What is the takeaway? Hope. Abundance. A shift in consciousness like the one described above changes the entire physiology. It becomes irresistible to life.

Summer CEFP Retreat - All Practitioners Welcome!

NEW 2012 RETREAT DATE - Tell your local Practitioner!

August 24 - 26, 2012 Palmer House Hilton - Chicago IL

Cost: $350 (current CEFP members); $500 for all non-members

Continuing Education: 19 CEU hours

Contact us for registration information or for any further questions - http://www.thefertilesoulcefp.org/contact

True Healing True healing involves transformation, at the deepest levels. Instead of merely addressing the branch aspects of an individual’s presentation, we will work down to our own root level, learn and experientially practice how to come to the root level with a patient. Transformation begins by rooting oneself in the Tao. Our fall retreat will focus on taking our entire beings into the Tao, and then working our way out to the two, the three, and the ten thousand things. The movement of the Tao is return.

Friday

4 - 7 p ~ Opening Circle (3 CEU's) Personal and professional issues that impact our practice.

Saturday

8:30 - 9:30 a ~ Qi Gong (1 CEU)

10 a - 1 p ~ Morning Session with Randine  (3 CEU's)

Lecture - Rooting in the Tao

2 - 6 p ~ Afternoon Session with Randine (4 CEU's)

Body wisdom check-in Lecture - The dualistic aspect of fertility

Sunday

8:30 - 10:30 a ~ Qi Gong (1 CEU)

10 a - 1 p ~ Morning Session with Randine (3 CEU's)

Lecture - The three treasures and the forward sheng cycle of the endocrine system

2 - 6 p ~ Afternoon Session with Randine (4 CEU's)

Lecture - The backward sheng cycle of the gynecological and embryological systems Closing Circle

Last Chance: Asheville Retreat - July 13-16

RETREAT OVERVIEW: This retreat will be held in the Historic Downtown Center of Asheville, North Carolina. With multiple places to stay and nearly an unlimited array of the Mountain’s finest restaurants and cuisine – this retreat will surely not be one to miss! The retreat will begin on Friday afternoon at 4:00pm with an introduction to Traditional Chinese (TCM) and an overview of the schedule ahead (specific times will be posted upon registration).  This is a great opportunity to meet with Randine and your fellow guests that are on a similar journey! The Retreat will continue Saturday and Sunday morning and go throughout the days until early evening (usually end each day about 6:00pm) and close the weekend on Monday morning with a group Healing Circle and acupuncture treatment with Dr. Lewis. There will be intermission breaks for Lunch and a few shorter breaks to stretch your legs and get some fresh air throughout the day.

All meals will be on your own – however, with a multitude of fresh, local and organic restaurants nearby, trying to fit them all in might be the most difficult endeavor of the weekend! If you do decide to leave during meal times, we recommend that you stay close during these breaks as the schedule is full and we will need to start each session promptly in order to maximize your time with Dr. Lewis.

TUITION OVERVIEW:

The Primary/Partner price includes full program tuition, acupuncture treatment onsite, and our Phone Consultation Package (Initial Nutrition and Wellness Consults) with our Fertile Soul staff practitioners – a $250 add-on value! To learn more about this great offering and details of the phone consultation program click here.

Our staff will contact you with further retreat and travel details in an event welcome email soon after your place your order OR feel free to contact us at any time! You will also receive an email about our phone consultation program and registration to get you started on your fertility journey with our Phone Consult Package. You will be directed to our online registration page to create a guest profile and set up each of your appointments.

More information and Registration: click here

Contraction and Expansion

The metal element governs the continuum of expansion and contraction. Its organs are the lung (inspiration/expiration) and large intestine (fills/expels). It gives meaning, order, and structure to life, and thus pertains more to the left brain and autonomic nervous system functioning. Its emotion is sorrow, which takes us into loss, letting go, and the ultimate grief, death. Spiritually, it pertains to the Po - the corporeal or embodied soul which is associated with the flesh, comes into being with the first breath, and dies with the last. It is not our greatest reality, but a phantom of our true self. When we do not resist that which needs to be relinquished, we move into our deepest energetic state, that of the mysterious pass, where death ultimately results in rebirth. Something new can emerge when we let go of the old.

Many people misunderstand this element. I know I did. I used to think that life was expansion and death was contraction. My present understanding is that it is actually the opposite. After working with fertility for so many years, the subtle energy of embodiment was felt as a contraction of new energy in the depths of a woman's body. Years ago, I started working with Hospice, and noticed that when somebody was leaving this embodiment, there was a great expansion of energy as the spirit was no longer held by the limitation of the physical body.

While this may not be an awe inspiring realization, it has some elements that many of us overlook. According to the Tao, all of life's expressions operate via opposing forces. Openness or expansion begets the ability to hold. Being closed or contracted requires relinquishment, so emergence can take place. In other words, death begets life.

Spirit becomes trapped by the Po as it experiences this existence. At retreat we focus on breath work and letting go exercises to open up to this energetic. We expand so contraction can occur. We let go, so something can take hold.

In the words of the Tao te Ching: Those who try to control... Go against the direction of the Tao If you want fullness, empty yourself. If you want birth, let yourself die. If you want everything, give everything up.

Protection - A Barrier to Conception?

Our primary physical directive in life is survival, or self-preservation. All other physiological functions come after the primary directive has been met. If we can survive, we can potentially thrive, become productive members of society, and reproduce. If our sense of safety and security are perceived to be in jeopardy, however, the body/mind diverts attention away from growth, until the threat passes. The reproductive function is the first to be sacrificed, as your body does not want you pregnant if your life is in danger. We don't question this directive in nature - animals in the wild don't reproduce well when their survival is jeopardized. They don't go into heat when resources are scarce or they are in captivity. Yet, when this happens in us, we panic and think there is something wrong. In actuality, our bodies are doing exactly what they have been conditioned to do, from our own life responses to the deepest messages carried within our DNA. I recently worked with a woman whose entire fertility pursuit threatened her very sense of well-being. She constantly felt like her life was in jeopardy. Almost as soon as she decided to try to have a baby, her hormones started to fluctuate and her cycles became erratic; eventually her periods quit altogether. Her body/mind went into panic and survival mode. She experienced severe anxiety and mild panic attacks every time she thought about not being able to have a child. The harder she worked to overcome this feeling of threat, the more threatened she felt.  Throughout her healing process, every practitioner she went to for help (acupuncturists, nutritionists, and therapists) seemed to further perpetuate this feeling of panic. The more she was given to do, the more overwhelmed she felt.

Deep inside there was a feeling that her very survival needed protecting. No doctor or therapist could talk her body out of this deeply held unconscious belief. Yet, her heart could. Chinese medicine views the heart as the only true healer, as it houses the spirit, or life giving force of all of existence. The healing had to begin in her own heart.

While we teach individuals how to calmly harmonize themselves with their environments, the real work we do on retreat is to put individuals in touch with the healing power of their own hearts. When they no longer have to protect themselves, the invisible shield that I call "infertility," naturally falls.

All My Children

Of all of my children, the one I treasure most lives in my heart.She is simple and sweet, and not as grand as the ones I have carried before.

There have been strong and handsome sons, for whom I've held visions of Ivy League schools. Each had a hidden talent, an exquisite beauty that only I could see.

They have lived in my heart, but carried in memory of what was to be. Their births were projected in May, June, and September, not to mention those whose arrival I could no longer count.

Oh, if the sum of my children could be manifest now, I could fill a small town with dancers, chefs, and artists.

My refrigerator carries no crayon art to Mom. My home echoes of solitude; no demands from without.

Yet I live with an image carried closer than my breath, Coming alive through dreams, but never enough to satiate; only intensifying the longing from within.

The one who lives yet in my heart wears only the wings of an angel. She is a spark of potential yet to be realized.

Will I bring her into being, pulling spirit into flesh; or will she bring me into being, pulling flesh into spirit?

Will her image transform into the wrinkles and gray hair of the wise woman I am becoming? Oh, I am a mother. Perhaps not filling a town, a house, or even my own vision.

But I am giving birth, every moment I stand naked in my truth, denying neither myself nor the hope of the one yet to come.

Yes, of all my children, the one I cherish the most, I have never been without.

Catalysts of Transformation

Contrary to the typical Western view, healing is not about the resolution of symptoms. Alleviating physical expressions is palliative medicine. Chinese medicine pays just enough attention to the symptoms so as to find their cause. The cause is usually much harder to see, especially when we are attempting to alleviate the symptom. I consider physical discomforts such as headaches, menstrual irregularities, hot flashes, and ovarian pain to be knocks on the door of our awareness asking us to pay attention. We are meant to have pain to invite us to see where something is wrong. If we step on a piece of glass, it is meant to get our attention before it causes more damage. On futher investigation, a headache may reveal deep levels of emotional holding. I had migraine headaches for years, untreatable with medication. With deeper investigation into the energetic origin, I found my body's wisdom was giving me very useful guidance about life decisions. When I paid attention, and acted on it, the pain resolved. Irritable bowel syndrome revealed unconscious fear and worry. When the origin was penetrated, the symptoms resolved. My ovarian and hormonal problems led me internally as well, to examine my own issues with control. When control was relinquished, so was the fertility obstruction.

True healing is about transformation - being led into the depths of our own body/mind to expose the hidden truths about life. And the catalysts for this transformational process are usually not the areas where we are comfortable in life, but where we are most uncomfortable. It takes courage to want to face our own pain. I think of retreat as a process of catalyzing transformation. And the symptoms of disharmony are alleviated permanently when their root cause is revealed.

Whatever causes you the most pain right now is the invitation to find the catalyst for its resolution. A friend recently told me a true story that says it best. A beekeeper and his son were moving bee colonies. The son told his father, "When I was moving the bees, there was an intruder." After querying him further, the son described the invader as being big and dark, almost like a wasp, that fell away from the rest of the bees. The father asked what he did, and the son proudly exclaimed that he stomped the villain. The father said, "Oh, son, you've killed the queen."

Let your pain not be ignored, suppressed, or killed. Let it invite you into the depths of your own spirit, the only place where true transformative healing can occur. Whatever you do, don't kill the queen!

A Little Bit Pregnant

You can’t be a little bit pregnant; you either are or you aren’t.  We can laugh at the absurdity of thinking otherwise. This analogy, used to illustrate definitives, brings the mind to one side or other of the equation. Yes or no; black or white; no room for gray. I’m going to be a parent or I’m not. What happens, though, when we are forced to live in the gray zone?  I might be; I might not be; I don’t know. On this journey, we are always just a little bit pregnant with possibility. Few of us are comfortable with the state of limbo. Who wants to live in the state of “I don’t know”? Who doesn’t want the brightness of certainty? Yet, we seem to fear the gray zone more than we fear the darkness. If I know that it will be, I will power through anything; if I know it will never be, I won’t like it, but I will learn to accept it. One side or the other; yes or no; black or white; no room for gray.

See if you have the courage to live in the gray zone for just one day. Try residing in the state of “I don’t know” all day long. The mind lives in definitive sides of life; but life itself resides right in the middle. There is a great wonder there. This is the place where miracles occur.

Many people ask me how to let go when the desire is so great. How can I not hold on to the reins of life and direct it the way I want it to go? Life seems not to be responding to my desires in my timeframe. Therefore, it must be no. Yet, because of this enormous desire, it can’t be no. It must be yes. But it can’t be yes because…. Conflict ensues because it isn’t one side or the other. It is both.  Yes and no; not now; maybe later; gray. Yuck.

Yet, the middle way is not a bland acceptance – it is vibrantly alive with the glimmer of all possibility. When we aren’t demanding life appear in a certain way, it can flow as it must.  The spirit of existence, which flows through the heart and gives birth to all things, lives in the state of not knowing. It loves the miraculous, eternal expression of unknowable potential. Anything else is limitation. The flow of life does not respond well to absolutes. Feel the energetic contraction of the fear based, demanding mindset –

“I know it must be the way I want it, now!” vs. “I don’t know how it must be, but I’m open to it.”

If you can try this out for just one day, and then start expanding it, you will be amazed at the results. It will eliminate the energetic contraction that closes you off from the miraculous flow of life. Give it a try. And keep practicing it until something inside clicks – the vibrant current of life itself, sparked into miraculous existence when we are willing to let go of the reins of control.

The Pain of Wanting

Nobody walks the journey of fertility struggles without pain. Although it begins with hope, when physical obstructions are not overcome and the desire for a child is not fulfilled, it leaves in its wake frustration, disappointment, sorrow, and at times despair. Natural healing methods like Chinese Medicine can help alleviate some of the  physical challenges that come with infertility. When, for example. hormone levels are elevated, clearing the liver meridian can restore hormonal balance. But what can help overcome the pain of wanting?

The liver governs the smooth transitions of internal processes such as hormonal metabolism, detoxification, and according to Chinese medicine, stuck emotions. The greatest cause of liver qi stagnation is said to be unfulfilled desires and it's residual pain, which we often attempt to ignore, or suppress in order not to feel its sting. Unfortunately, rejecting any emotion further constrains the liver energies, aggravating underlying hormonal imbalances. So, if we don't ignore or suppress the emotions and don't wish to wallow in the pain, how do we get out of this Catch-22?

It's actually quite simple. The remedy for liver qi constraint is allowing everything to be as it is. Allowing the desire, the frustration, the grief... all of it. In fact, right now feel the pain of wanting. If you fully experience it, it is raw and biting. If you turn away from this pain, although you may not experience it as fully, it still lives as energy below the surface, which is held in  the liver meridian. It seems like having a child will take away this pain, yet it won't. You cannot enter motherhood without this pain. It is the other side of love. This pain will not go away when you are pregnant, when your child is born, when she worries you sick, becomes ill, leaves home, or starts her own family. That pain will definitely not go away. You don't want it to, and your liver knows it. Motherhood is not one sided, fluffy, happy love. The fierce love for your children will torment you through sleepless nights, poor grades, lost friends, and missed curfews.

Let the pain live in the light of your own awareness where it can no longer hurt your body. Stop turning away from one of your greatest gifts - the tempering power that comes from the other side of love. Allow the hurt, the anger, and the fear to see daylight, too, so they can flow through and ease the stress from holding them back.

Motherhood can be messy, worrisome, and painfully wonderful. Don't cower away from your own pain. Find the courage to fully experience it, and you will find at its core: love.

Letter from Your Unborn Child

Dear Mom and Dad, I know you're there. Sometimes, when you let go a little bit, I can feel you.

And yet, to you I feel like an unfulfilled wish, a memory that hasn't yet occurred.

I think you know I'm here, too. I know at some level you can feel my pull. Perhaps it's what keeps you going on this path that has been so hard for you. It doesn't have to be, you know.

You don't have to force me to come. The laws of the universe are not altered by struggling, groveling or prayers of desperation.

Remember, I am a miracle, and I'm looking for light.

I'm looking for an opening. Receptivity. Softness. The life force needs an opening to express itself.

Sometimes I see yours, but your struggling effort to do everything right closes it off before I can reach you.

Relax your body and quiet your senses. Return to your deepest self. That's what I'm drawn to.

It doesn't matter to me if you think positive thoughts all the time. Be who you are. Be where you are, not where you think you should be. Honor yourself. When you are angry, stomp your feet. Yell. When you are sad, cry. When you are frightened, see beyond to the miracle, Clear the way.

Please don't force yourself to do anything that feels like it will hurt you in order to get me. I won't come that way.

It does matter that you nourish and care for yourself.  Only you can be responsible for your well-being, and I want you to be here for me, for a long time.

You won't be able to accept and love me fully and without conditions until you can first do this for yourself. Be a vessel of yourself fully, before you try to be a vessel for me.

Pay attention to that still small voice inside of you that longs to experience unconditional love. And express that love where you are, now.

Don't wait for me to come before you live your life. Live and love your life fully

How can I love being a part of your life if you don't?

Remember, I'm a miracle, and I'm looking for your light. I'm looking for an opening, for your receptivity.

There must be space in your lives, for you and for me.

If you scramble about in search of me, you will lose me.

Pay attention to your deepest self. That's where the light is. That's where the opening is.

I can see your light when you're laughing, when you're dancing, and even when you cry.

I see it when you're real.

Please stop listening to all the outside voices telling you what you should do.

Nobody out there has your answer.

Listen to the still, small voice inside that still lives in the miraculous.

I am still in spirit, and I'm drawn to yours.

You don't know how or when I'm coming to you.

But I will come on my own time, in my own way, if you let me.

Loosen your grasp. Lower your expectations about how it's all supposed to look. Whatever your expectations, I'll never live up to them.

I am not your image of me. I am so much more.  I am a whisper of possibility that arises out of the depths of nature's way.

Consider the possibility that I have been orchestrating this entire journey so that you can learn to open your heart to yourself so you can open to me.

Hope. Trust. Open.

Remember, I am a miracle.

So are you.

I am unconditional love waiting to manifest. So are you. Allow me to enter in my way. Stop fighting, forcing, pleading, and researching how to get me. I come when you stop trying to control life.

I come out of Grace.

Open your way to the miracle.