Carrie was utterly confused and disheartened when her doctor, the one in whom she had utmost confidence, told her he didn’t think she could have her own child. Confident – “with fidelity” To have trust or assurance.
Confusion – “with fusion” To mingle together. A state of bewilderment or lack of clarity.
In any uncertain journey, the mind looks for something to trust; something worthy of assurance. This is confidence. This state of having fidelity, however, has more to do with what can be counted on without fail - something worthy of fidelity. Confusion, on the other hand, means that we have fused ourselves to something that is not worthy of our fidelity. We have lost ourselves in that which changes, leaving us feeling lost.
With confidence there is clarity. With confusion there is bewilderment.
On the fertility journey, there is no more uncomfortable place than feeling lost and confused. When we have bonded ourselves to the changeable; linked our hope to something which is uncertain, there is an innate sense of something being wrong; something feeling uncertain. Feelings of doubt arise, like “maybe this is the wrong course of action.”
So, what is worthy of fidelity? Can you trust a certainty in a particular course of action? Can you trust, with absolute, unfailing certainty, an individual doctor or clinic? Can you have 100 % trust and assurance that things will turn out the way you envision in your mind? No, No, and No. You cannot trust that which is untrustworthy. Every single person, place, thing, and situation, because it is changeable and fallible, has the potential for letting you down, and your heart knows it. You cannot trust anything without. The Tao te Ching reminds us that The Movement of the Tao is return.
Chinese medicine is based upon the premise: All diseases arise from the heart. Therefore, all cures come from the heart. Any state without ease means we are not right with the heart, which houses the spirit. We have placed our reliance on the changeable. We will, therefore, feel confused.
Because there is an inherent longing for something that we can count on with assurance, the mind will look outside for what it can count on. Again and again, external seeking will fail. Until we find that which is infallible, to which we can pledge our undying loyalty, we remain lost and confused. The only answer, the only true resting place is within the heart, which carries the spirit, our true self.
I tell stories of women, previously lost on the fertility journey, who have found this place of fidelity within and trust it completely. They remove their assurance from others. They remove their shaky reliance on doctors, their well meaning partners, family and friends, and lastly from the fallibility of the changing mind. They trust their hearts, the source of love, the source from which the desire to bring forth life arises. And always, always, it proves worthy of fidelity. Perhaps, right now, in the midst of whatever confusion you may be experiencing, the spirit of your future child is leading you to a place of inner fidelity.