The Pain of Wanting

When one is challenged with their ability to bring forth life, there are two pains – the anguish of being unable to conceive, and the pain caused by the unfulfilled desire itself.

The pain from the fertility challenge can be eased by any means that brings one closer to the hope of it’s fulfillment. But even a child cannot remedy the pain of the wanting. A child may not be granted; or one may be blessed with a  child in numerous ways.

After bearing two children in her forties, a  very wise friend, fellow Fertile Soul sister, and therapist admitted in her own journey, “My children didn’t cure my infertility.” she noticed the ongoing pain of the wanting itself was still causing her suffering, although now she didn’t have the lack of a child to place it on. The same was true for me and many other mothers I know.

If we can ease the pain of wanting during the fertility struggle, it alleviates the stress of the journey many-fold.  When the stress has been reduced, the physical imbalances are much easier to rectify. When we can identify and treat the causes of the physical imbalance with Chinese medicine, the reproductive system can right itself, and become fertile. But when the stress of the unfulfilled desire remains, liver qi stagnation predominates, and still obstructs conception.

Easing the pain of wanting is not the same as not wanting. That would be denial. Desiring a child is present, and projected into the future as the believable story, “a child will make me happy.”

Here is the remedy: simply notice and feel fully, what happens to you when you don’t get what you want. Can you feel the internal clench around this? The fear, the frustration and the anguish? There is no stress in “I want a child.” it is a beautiful and strong desire. The stress comes with the next movement of the mind, “What if I don’t get a child?” This movement causes an internal clench that places one in panic mode. Stress hormones predominate, and makes conception physiologically improbable.

1) Notice and claim the desire.
2) Notice what happens when you project this desire into a future of scarcity. Don’t suppress this feeling, just watch it in process.
3) Allow yourself to rest and breathe this relaxation throughout your body.

Allow the wanting. See what happens when you carry the wanting into a stressful story of what you might not have in the future. Shine the light of your own awareness on this process, and feel its effects in your body. Become aware of the fact that right now, you can be at ease with the beauty of the desire. That’s it.

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