I grew up with the notion that we were born into our circumstances; and it was up to us to make maximum use of them to create the life we wanted to live. If there was anything in my life that was unsatisfactory, it was my job to fix it. With this type of attitude, unfortunately most of my life was seen as unsatisfactory. I had a lot to remedy.
I did not want to be held by the geography, religion, or familial expectations the way my forbearers were. I lived following this restless urge to find something, live something, do something useful with my life, and I did. I left home at 18 and with great vigor, attained a couple of professional degrees, husbands and kids. I created the life I wanted, and created a vision of myself along the way. And yet, it left me unsatisfied. None of these things could satisfy the urge. Each attainment would leave me in pursuit of what was missing. The pursuit was exciting, however. I loved the seeking, finding, attaining and moving on. I travelled and lived around the world, never finding home.
Recently, however, my life circumstances halted me. And in the stopping came the recognition that nothing was missing, except the feeling that something was missing. Now, instead of creating my life, I am letting life create itself through me. Paradoxically, the more life circumstances are seen just to be present circumstances, the more they transform themselves into a reflection of me.
I don’t create my life anymore. Standing naked and alone, it is as if an ease of being that was always present can finally express itself, unimpeded by my attempts to fix it. I don’t fix myself anymore, either. After years of trying to purify the body, perfect the mind, and rectify psychic and emotional disturbances, I can see that like the rest of life, it is all just fine the way it is. The Randine project is over. What a relief. Now I can attend to life as it comes. When my attention needs to be brought into recognition of something to tend to, it is effortlessly there when it’s needed. There is no more need to figure it out.
When the body moves into disharmony, an effortless awareness tends to bring it back into harmony. When thoughts agitate the mind, they are seen just to be passing thoughts. When any emotional disturbance asks for attention, it is there. Life is an ever changing, ever self-correcting mechanism where I am merely a participant. And yet, I help people to heal for a living. It can seem confusing that when we stop trying to manipulate life, it comes through unimpeded and bountiful. So what is healing about? For me it is the deep recognition that there is one source of healing, and it isn’t me. My job is to follow it, help others tune into and follow it, and let the miracles flow.