Archive for October, 2011

Fitting In

Monday, October 24th, 2011

Somebody asked me recently, “Where in the world do I fit?” She had just experienced the shocking realization that IVF may not be her answer… a baby may not even be her answer. That, in fact, living the family life may not be her answer.

Most of my early life was spent trying to find a place where I fit. I believe I have lived in about 34 different places now. Scanning back over my past, it seems like I have lived many lives in these 52 years. I’ve had multiple career paths, relationships, husbands, children… chapter after chapter, none of them made me fit. My children have often commented how I am not the typical mom. I don’t hang out with other mothers. I never did the playgroup thing. I don’t like parties and large social gatherings. And yet I anguished over the fact that no matter where I went or what I tried, I didn’t fit in. It seems that I dance to music that the rest of the world doesn’t hear.

One day I realized the most obvious thing in the world: “I don’t fit.” What a relief!

A friend pointed out a biblical conveyance of this understanding:

“The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest His head.”

Now, I know this wasn’t talking about not fitting in with cultural or societal expectations. It is referring to a much deeper truth that the essence of what we truly are, at the core of being itself, cannot be contained. It has no home upon the earth. It will not fit into roles. Yet, do I live this every waking moment? No. I still try to find a place to rest my head. What life situation is going to give me everlasting peace? None. No relationship, no child, no health condition, no financial situation will ever give me rest. Because what I am at the core of my being is peace itself.  It doesn’t need a place to rest its head.

Without looking one moment into the future, where do you fit, right now?

Without the child, the happy family, or the image of a happy future?

Can you notice that even the attempt to make yourself or your life fit into any prescribed image makes you discontent?

Again, I am reminded of the Descartes’ philosophy, “I think, therefore I am,” which I could never wrap my mind around. When I don’t need to think or imagine my life into a particular way of being, I can rest in the realization that I am. That’s enough. I don’t need to fit.  When we aren’t trying to fit into the world, perhaps life has an easier time coming through us. After all, children aren’t little pre-existing beings looking for a place to fit in. They are the unborn expression of that which is uncontained.

Living the Dream

Thursday, October 20th, 2011

I grew up with the notion that we were born into our circumstances; and it was up to us to make maximum use of them to create the life we wanted to live. If there was anything in my life that was unsatisfactory, it was my job to fix it. With this type of attitude, unfortunately most of my life was seen as unsatisfactory. I had a lot to remedy.

I did not want to be held by the geography, religion, or familial expectations the way my forbearers were. I lived following this restless urge to find something, live something, do something useful with my life, and I did. I left home at 18 and with great vigor, attained a couple of professional degrees, husbands and kids. I created the life I wanted, and created a vision of myself along the way. And yet, it left me unsatisfied. None of these things could satisfy the urge. Each attainment would leave me in pursuit of what was missing. The pursuit was exciting, however. I loved the seeking, finding, attaining and moving on. I travelled and lived around the world, never finding home.

Recently, however, my life circumstances halted me. And in the stopping came the recognition that nothing was missing, except the feeling that something was missing. Now, instead of creating my life, I am letting life create itself through me. Paradoxically, the more life circumstances are seen just to be present circumstances, the more they transform themselves into a reflection of me.

I don’t create my life anymore. Standing naked and alone, it is as if an ease of being that was always present can finally express itself, unimpeded by my attempts to fix it. I don’t fix myself anymore, either. After years of trying to purify the body, perfect the mind, and rectify psychic and emotional disturbances, I can see that like the rest of life, it is all just fine the way it is. The Randine project is over. What a relief. Now I can attend to life as it comes. When my attention needs to be brought into recognition of something to tend to, it is effortlessly there when it’s needed. There is no more need to figure it out.

When the body moves into disharmony, an effortless awareness tends to bring it back into harmony. When thoughts agitate the mind, they are seen just to be passing thoughts. When any emotional disturbance asks for attention, it is there. Life is an ever changing, ever self-correcting mechanism where I am merely a participant. And yet, I help people to heal for a living. It can seem confusing that when we stop trying to manipulate life, it comes through unimpeded and bountiful. So what is healing about? For me it is the deep recognition that there is one source of healing, and it isn’t me. My job is to follow it, help others tune into and follow it, and let the miracles flow.