Control vs. Allowing

If you are on the fertility journey, you have undoubtedly been told by those blissfully ignorant of the frustration this journey brings, comments like: “Just let go and it will happen.” Or, “I had a friend who adopted and became pregnant when she gave up control.” I offered a retreat a few years back whose theme was, Letting Go. One very high-strung woman arrived and said, “I didn’t come here to let go; I came here to have a baby!” At our last retreat, one woman recognized, “I’ve been so wound up trying to force myself to let go, I’ve been controlling more than if I simply let myself control.”

Tight control vs. letting go are two ends of the same spectrum. When we are trying to move the scales over to one side vs. the other, it is still control. It is impossible to falsely induce a state of letting go at this level, because we are invariably going to find ourselves being tugged from one side to the other.  Albert Einstein said, “You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created.” So how do we move beyond the pendulum of control to a new paradigm? You might start by inquiring within:

What is the underlying desire whose fulfillment you are trying to control?

How do you think you can control its manifestation?

Do you have to alleviate the desire in order to let go?

Can you attend to your heart’s desire while you let go of how you think it must be fulfilled?

Keep your attention on yourself, right now. Attend to the open spaciousness within, the hope you feel in your heart, and the longing that arises to bring forth life. That’s it. Do what you can to restore balance. Balance can’t be forced. It is in harmony with the rest of your life. Let the universe run itself, and attend to your own inner state of being. Don’t attend to yesterday’s errors or tomorrow’s fears. Stay at home, in the wellbeing within your own heart.

There is no need to control your thoughts or emotions, either. Be as you are. Allow life to flow through you, authentically, as it will. Any forced state of positivity is only more control. Don’t you think that the soul of a future child will be drawn to you as you are rather than a forced state of controlling their manifestation? Provide life an outlet, and more will come through.

Be scared. Be sad. Be messy. Have a tantrum about this sucky journey. Stomp and scream when you’re angry. Laugh when you’re happy. Live life fully. Get off the spleen qi diet for a few days. Stop taking your vitamins and herbs. Throw out the BBT charts.  Exercise how you want to rather than how you should. Make love when you have the urge rather than according to the ovulation predictor kits. Find the joy of no control. Act as if you were three and didn’t know any better, and you may find yourself in an open flow of life rather than a static, sterile, controlled approach. Let life live you, breathe you, think you, and emote through you. Let life come through you as it will, in every way. Your hormones will love it!

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