Archive for July, 2013

How to Deal with Regret

Monday, July 22nd, 2013

We just finished an amazing retreat in Los Angeles with women from all over the world. One of the common themes among the women was the topic of regret.  When I returned home, I received an e-mail from a dear friend going through this journey, and the topic surfaced again. Regret, remorse, should have, shouldn’t have, guilt, shame, if only…

If we examine the list of our regrets associated with fertility, it might look something like this:

If only I had _______________________, then I’d be a mom.

If only I hadn’t done _________, then I’d be a mom.

If I had known ________________, then I’d be a mom.

If I would have ________________ earlier, then I’d be a mom.

If Dr. _____________ hadn’t done ________________, I’d already be a mom.

If Dr. ____________ would have done _____________, I’d already be a mom.

If my ____________ would have __________________, I would be a mom.

If my _____________ wouldn’t have _______________, I would be a mom.

I feel ____________ about what happened _____________.

If you keep up this line of questioning, the list will be endless. When you finish one group of regrets, another one will come along, tormenting you all the way along the journey.

Yet, as I told my friend, you don’t need to indulge them, figure them out, or push them away.  They won’t get you anywhere, because regret is an imposter. It isn’t real. Nothing could have been done differently than it was. Your past literally could not be other than it is. You are not here by mistake.

Keep dealing with the only time you have – now. Watch the feelings (now) about a fictitious moment in the supposed past, when it was also now. Not a different now; the same eternal moment, which the mind records as memory. Every time the memory captured an event or experience in the now, it also colored it with some feelings about where your emotional body was at the time. It is doing the same thing now – coloring the memories with judgment. Nothing ever, ever, ever, ever, could have happened differently than it happened. Nothing ever is happening other than it is happening. The happening, including your response to what is, happens spontaneously based upon everything else in the universe and your own personal history. Then the mind comes in later and judges it as good, bad, right, wrong, should have, should not have… And creates an energetic knot.

The energies of regret are twofold – the downward, inward energetic pull of metal (which governs grief and loss), and the upward, outward energetic push of wood (which governs frustration, anger, and resistance) – opposite energetic movements. One pulls you in, one pushes against. It’s a losing game.

When you tease out the sadness and anger, what’s left is the raw emotion of how you feel about what you wish could have been. When it’s projected out in the future, it creates enormous tension in the body mind. Journal about it, if you find it helpful. Do a releasing ceremony. Do a physical release if it feels appropriate. Feel its effects in your body. See what is has to offer you when you see it for what it is. Go into the heart of it. Feel the emotions associated with it. And see what gift remains in the center of it.
And in the wake of showing up 100% for yourself, you are left with the only peace possible – acceptance of your past; acceptance of yourself; acceptance of what is, right now.

You have always done exactly what you had to do. And in this ever-present moment, you are doing exactly what you must be doing.

When the contraction of regret is truly released, it can’t obstruct your energetic patterns anymore. Only then you are truly forgiven.

Ovarian Pathology and the Dai Mai

Sunday, July 14th, 2013

In Chinese medicine, the girdle or belt meridian, (Dai Mai), encircles the waist and hip bones. This is the only horizontal channel in the body and basically “binds” or consolidates the channels that run vertically.  It holds back the kidney potential which gives forth the ability to circulate its essence either to deal with the demands of your life, or to create new life.

The Dai Mai also holds back Kidney essence in pathological states like PCOS, POF, ovarian cysts and cancer. When our energy is overly focused on external gratification in the world, our internal reserves can become blocked and inaccessible. Everything that has a potential for pathology at one time had a potential to serve us. It’s all a matter of balance. The Dai Mai binds this life potential until conditions are correct for its circulation.

The Dai Mai also holds repressed energies for us. If a life situation calls for an emotional response that we are unable to meet, the Dai Mai will hold the latent energy until a time when we have the emotional reserves in the blood to deal with it. These energies can be held for years, even decades. When we achieve some level or maturity, the energetic holding can then “leak” into circulation and give us the opportunity to meet it consciously and resolve the latently held energetic pattern. This could be likened to a “cellular memory” that gets locked into the physiology through psychological denial.

We practice a Dai Mai Qi Gong exercise at retreat, which can actively “call out” latent pathogenic factors to be dealt with. There are also acupuncture and herbal remedies which can address Dai Mai issues, but in my opinion, without the light of your own awareness involved in the process, the tools Chinese medicine utilizes are much less effective. Provided the right environment for release, resolution can be complete, within a short amount of time.

Almost everyone I know is aware of some hidden affliction that they have basically swept under the figurative rug; knowing at some time they will have to deal with it. They may not know the details, but in Chinese medicine, the details are not important. The story is almost irrelevant; but meeting it presently with full consciousness, feeling it, and accepting this hidden aspect of our life is essential to overcoming the blocked pathology.

Doctor Patient Relationship

Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013

Those who come to retreat often ask what is the most important trait a doctor can have? According to the ancient book of healing, the Su Wen, chapter 39, those who are best at working with people are those who are satisfied with themselves. Without confusion or distress, they can follow the Tao, and reach an illuminated life. Through the deep examination of oneself they can be free of confusion and lift the veil.

Commentary by Father Claude Larre:

The most important thing for healing is the relationship between the practitioner, the spirits, and the patient. Heaven represents the organization of nature, and the movement of the four seasons. In our body is the same life that is in a tree or flower, or in the weather. Have the consciousness to observe the natural order and find it again in oneself and in another. If you understand that you must be in harmony with Heaven, you will practice clearly.

Acupuncture has to move the patient’s spirit to be successful – it is not merely mechanical. You first must have a deep understanding of your own life before pretending to know life in another, especially the disturbances in the development of life in another.

You also must not be blocked in yourself, or full of the desire to heal. You have just to do your best, very quietly, and then let go. You must not have inner agitation or desires, even the best of desires. if you do not have desire, then you have a real relationship with the patient and are not forcing the patient to correct his spirits to please you. To be satisfied with yourself means to harmonize yourself. The best way to cure a patient is to remain in the natural expression of your own power of life. To desire too strongly is stagnation and blockage in your intent and will, and it diminishes your ability to cure.

The texts never say that you must desire to cure. They repeatedly say to be calm and quiet without special desire. Wanting something is always dangerous, even if you are wanting the best thing in the world – the tension in you is bad. Let the life of the spirit grow in you, and bring this to every part of your work.

In my opinion, fertility knowledge and expertise are secondary to being real. Having a spirit to spirit relationship with the patient is where healing occurs. What’s important to you? Do you need to emote? Do you need to understand what your practitioner is doing? Then that needs to be part of your treatment. Does your practitioner have a desire to heal you? According to Chinese medicine, that is a problem. Real healing happens when an acupuncturist gets themselves and their desires out of the way and puts you in touch with the source of healing – which is not them. They are merely a conduit of spirit.