Archive for August, 2011

Fertility Success and Failure

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011

Fertility Success and Failure

Success is as dangerous as failure.
Hope is as hollow as fear.
What does it mean that success is as dangerous as failure? Whether you go up the ladder or down it, your position is shaky.
When you stand with your two feet on the ground, you will always keep your balance.
What does it mean that hope is as hollow as fear? Hope and fear are both phantoms that arise from thinking of the self. When we don’t see the self as self, what do we have to fear?
See the world as your self. Have faith in the way things are. Love the world as your self; then you can care for all things.
– Tao te Ching

What constitutes success in your mind – the ability to become pregnant? Give birth to your own biological child? What if you achieve this success? Will your heart be satisfied? No. When your mind’s satisfaction comes from achieving a goal, it will need to be maintained. A past retreat participant recently confessed, “My children did not cure my infertility.”

Another woman at our last retreat lost a child, had a child, and now is desiring another. She acknowledged how much she was stuck in fear – fear for losing the child she had, fear for not achieving success with this desire, fear that she would never overcome the loss that she experienced when she lost a child. She was living in the ambiguity between success and failure; hope and fear.

What if you don’t achieve your idea of success? Will you consider your path a failure?

I am often asked, “What is your success rate?” asking that my answer be confined to a percentage rate. Western medicine thrives on statistics. And yet, most of the women who I treat have already been told by Western medicine that their likelihood of success is less than 5%. We all look for hope in something solid and tangible, as if we could restrict how the future will present itself.

I consider the success rate of The Fertile Soul process to be over 99%. Although many of these successes are in the form of children, it is not confined to the birth of a child. When success is defined as the ability to open up to life in its highest form for you, you start to see the world as your very self and have faith in the way life comes through you. You begin to occupy the space where the most miraculous potential resides.

Family Dynamics

Thursday, August 4th, 2011

When I look back over my own reproductive history, I remember the great, almost uncontrollable yearning to bring forth life. I can truly feel what Kahlil Gibran said in his essay on children: Your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughter’s of life’s longing for itself.

Whenever the desire to bring forth life felt like it belonged to me, life seemed to thwart its expression.

My daughter, Theresa, was born when I was 21. I can still feel the joy for this life inside of me, and the hope and promise that this new being brought with her life. Although I was already married, when she first lay upon my chest and our upcoming lives became united, I felt for the very first time what it felt like to truly be in love, unconditionally. I was young; I was not equipped for the stability that family life required. I divorced, and went my own way, taking this fragile life along for my needs. Many turbulent years ensued, and when I was provided the opportunity to settle down into family life again, I felt the same pull for life, but now with an added weight: this time I would do it right. I was older and wiser. And my beautiful daughter, Theresa, carried the weight of my past, which was becoming her burden as well as mine.

I thought that having other children could somehow assuage the guilt of not fitting the role of a good mother. That was my infertility; trying to alleviate my pain with a new family. Any time my need became the burden I placed on another, life seemed to shut off.

Looking back, I can see how most of my relationships have based on need: the necessity to love, to be loved, to have, and to hold. When a need is fulfilled by another; especially a child, it binds us into suffering and misery. The fulfillment of a desire will never set us free. Rising above the need sets us free.

My son Lars, was the alleviation of my infertility, but it wasn’t through his coming, it was through seeing that his expression could not be responsible for the alleviation of my suffering. My needs became my children’s burden, even before they came.

Life is showing me a higher truth today: that it is nobody else’s responsibility to meet my needs for love, security, or anything else. It is my duty to get those needs met myself.

When my need to bring forth a child was to make my life more full and complete, it became their burden. When my need to be a part of a family was to make me feel loved and secure, it bound us all to the lowest expression of need – the fear of its loss.

When the unbounded expression of Life itself operates by its rules, the laws of the universe are at its command. Can you relinquish the need for life to abide by your desires? Can you let the laws of spirit govern you? Can you surrender to the inevitability of life’s plan for you that include the gift of the desires that you carry now? Can you see the possibility that the spirit of existence placed this desire in your heart that you be at its command, rather than the other way around?

How could I possibly be so arrogant to think that I knew how life was supposed to express itself? When I move out of its way, its gifts are unfathomable.

Feminine Tao

Thursday, August 4th, 2011

The Queen Mother of the West (???) is an ancient Chinese goddess whose origin can be traced back to oracle bone inscriptions of the fifteenth century BCE that record sacrifices to a “western mother”. (Cahill, 1993) Even though these inscriptions illustrate that she predates organized Taoism, she is most often associated with Taoism. The Taoist Xi Wang-mu is referred to as the ‘Royal Mother of the West’, and rules over the western paradise of the immortals, and that which must die.

Xi Wang Mu is called “the Original Breath of the
Great Yin” and “Mother of All Creatures,”
whose life spans she determines. She gives life,
causes and cures diseases, and imparts mystic wisdom.
Energies of new growth surround her like a cloud.
The Taoist classic Zhuang Ze says of Xi Wang Mu:
“Nobody knows her beginning, nobody knows her end.”

The Tao, is all that exists; the Supreme Power of the Universe, representing the physics of all things, the power that gives life, the energy that holds atoms together. When we try to define or name this power, we limit it.

The Tao’s primal Energies divide into Heaven and Earth, Day and Night as they separate into Yin and Yang forces. As Yin and Yang converge and rejoin, life is produced. The feminine nature of creation is soft, yielding, and forgiving, yet can be strong and violent. The Way emphasizes The Mysterious Female. And the Mysterious Female encompasses the root of our very being.

The Immortal Sister’s teachings from the third to the 12th century portray the spiritual strength of women before Confucius’ patriarchal influence in China. There was once great value placed on the ability of women to connect with universal forces like the pull of the moon in order to create life. The Immortal Sisters, accomplished women who achieved spiritual mastery, passed on these poems to illustrate the importance of the feminine aspect in Taoism:

Before our body existed,
One energy was already there.
Like jade, more lustrous as it’s polished,
Like gold, brighter as it’s refined.
Sweep clear the ocean of birth and death,
Stay firm by the door of total mastery.
A particle at the point of open awareness,
The gentle firing is warm.

There is one energy, to which we have access when we pay it honor. Its being is not limited by duality, so its creations are unfathomable. We can clear our mind of ideas, beliefs, and thoughts, which limit our ability to accept this strength. The door of total mastery is called the Mysterious Female, made of creativity and receptivity. When one spirit and one energy combine, yin and yang mass together, and through the Mysterious Pass, Life begins. This is the greatest power of life, and it begins, always, with a state of openness. “Openness turns into spirit, spirit turns into energy, energy turns into blood, blood turns into form, form turns into an infant, and infant turns into a child…” When we begin with a state of openness, the elemental particle, at the point of transformation, can be gently sparked to life.

If You want the elixir to form quickly,
First get rid of illusory states.
Attentively guard the spiritual medicine;
With every breath return to the beginning of the creative.
The energy returns, coursing through the three islands;
The spirit, forgetting, unites with the ultimate.
Coming this way and going this way,
No place is not truly so.

The elixir comes from the knowledge of who we are at our core. That is where we focus and breathe with the Qi gong breath. When we shed the illusory states, the bondage of self, we regain a subtle connection with our Source. This energy courses through the brain (the true mind), the heart (spirit), and the source of life, the womb.
The beginning of all creation begins with openness. With every breath we return to the beginning of creation, in our own womb. Another female adept said, “The secret of the receptive must be sought in stillness”. The most potent healing power in the universe is openness and receptivity. We cannot access the healing power of the universe through grasping or effort. We can only attain it through letting go. Unclench and go within–there you will find the wisdom of your own inner healer.