A therapist friend was on the call as well, who had gone through her own fertility challenges before she had her own biological children at ages 43 and 46, without reproductive intervention.

A woman on the call told us that she came across an email newsletter that said, “Open if you’re a mom.” And it made her mad. How dare anyone limit the opening of a newsletter to those that occupied the role of mom?! Like a dagger to the heart, it had all the elements of making one feel even more desperate and hurt.

So we talked about anger. Should one not get angry when triggered by some external event that reminds one of what they are so desperately trying to do? Should one not feel jealous when those close to them are with child – without even trying? It’s easy to shrink into the small roles of fear, hurt, and sadness, while the biggie – anger – is pushed aside by the judgment, “I shouldn’t be angry.”

My therapist friend talked about anger being a great catalyst for change, for breaking out of confines. TCM gives us two pictograms for anger – one is the image of a fish breaking through water tension to become a bird – indicating breaking out; evolving. Another is the image of a slave woman under a man’s hand, oppressed by circumstances that evoke a sense of breaking out. Let’s reframe. When there is anger, there is anger. Be with yourself with whatever your experience is. When there is jealousy, feel the jealousy. Only then can you break out of the emotional contraction. Let anger be a catalyst for change.

One of the greatest obstructions to fertility is an energetic contraction called Liver Qi Stagnation – mainly caused by unexpressed, unacknowledged emotional states and unfulfilled desires. This keeps the liver from metabolizing hormones, and keeps one physiologically stuck. We do many exercises on retreat to break out of the liver qi stagnation.

What roles, ideals, beliefs and confines do you need to break out of? What confines are holding you back from living your life fully, from pursuing your dreams without limitation?

Be true to yourself and your own experience. Who else will be?

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• 1 x 7: A girl’s Kidney energy becomes prosperous at seven years of age.
• 2 x 7: Her menstruation appears as the ren (sea of yin) channel flows and the chong (sea of blood) channel becomes prosperous at the age of 14.
• 3 x 7: Her Kidney qi reaches a balanced state, and her teeth are completely developed at the age of 21.
• 4 x 7: Her vital energy and blood are substantial, her four limbs are strong and the body is at optimal condition at the age of 28.
• 5 x 7: Her peak condition declines gradually. The yang ming channel is depleted, her face withers and her hair begins to fall out at the age of 35.
• 6 x 7: Her three yang channels, tai yang, yang ming and shao yang, begin to decline. Her face complexion wanes and her hair turn white at the age of 42.
• 7 x 7: The ren and chong channels are both declining, her menstruation ends, her physique turns old and feeble, and she can no longer conceive at the age of 49.

Notice that there is a peak from age 28 – 35; thereafter her jing declines. What the jing cycle doesn’t define for us, but what is at least as important is that as the jing declines, there is an increase in shen, or spirit. So, while we still work to enhance the essence during the decline, the shen, must be attended to. If you focus on the jing during the last three cycles of seven, it sounds pretty dismal. Her face withers, her hair begins to turn white and fall out. Her complexion wanes. Her physique turns old and feeble. But also notice, that while they highlight the decline, she is still able to conceive until her menstruation ends. What keeps this process going during the decline? Her spirit. Life is created through jing and shen, essence and spirit. While Chinese herbs and lifestyle changes may help enhance your jing, the shen is your internal state of consciousness, and cannot be neglected in this process.

The rise in shen could be represented by inner wisdom; a sense of completion and giving up needs of the material world. This is a state of spiritual health and wholeness. Feeling empty and unfulfilled depletes both the jing and the shen. Daily meditations, gratitude for what you already have, and feeling a lightness in your heart allow you to live in a state of abundance, nourishing to both the jing and the shen.

Our illusions can be crushed; our dreams can be shattered, the way we think things should be can be interrupted by life, leaving us feeling lost and broken. But it is not the spirit that that is broken.  Your spirit can’t be broken. It is what picks you back up when your plans have been derailed.

TCM recognizes that the heart , which houses the spirit, is pure and incorruptible.  Just outside the heart, though, is the heart protector, which is the interface between the smaller mind and the wisdom of the heart. The heart protector absorbs the wounds, and suffers the pain. Every time it feels as if the heart is broken, it is an opportunity for the protection of the heart  to open up and let more spirit through.

When I was going through my second miscarriage, it seemed as if I was getting sucked into a void where nothing in the world made sense anymore. Grief stricken, lost and confused, it was my spirit that came through, picked me up, and let me know that it was in charge. What was to be would be. The miraculous was at hand, in process, and it was not my job to figure it out. It was not even my job to heal the pain, but to surrender to it. It opened me up to something greater than the need to guide and protect the direction of my self will. The desires of my own soul were not neglected through this process, but could finally be fulfilled – in ways far beyond my limited mind’s ability to orchestrate the movement of the universe to give me what I thought I needed. My son came through when I could get out of the way.

The direction of my life was made clear when I was no longer playing the role of actor, director, and producer.  I could rest in the reality of the divine movement of the play of all of existence, in which I was an integral part; where my future was being divinely guided.

Another friend is going through a heart-wrenching breakup right now, where it seems as if the reason for being has been snatched away from her.  How could life be so cruel as to take away one’s greatest love? There is no way to explain the ripeness of moments like this – the raw potentiality of a broken heart. When the heart breaks, the mind’s direction is shattered. It is then that the spirit can rise, and direct our course without our interference. What I do know is this – her life is being divinely directed. Those who are crushed by pain have the greatest opportunity to live according to the incorruptible light of spirit, the unconditional love and joy of existence itself. I feel her pain, and I hold it in the light of spirit, knowing it is not a mistake. It is a miracle in the making.

Chinese medicine calls the energy of protection wei qi. This energy lives outside the body during the day. It protects you from pathogens and separates you from the world. A separate entity requires protection. If your wei qi is strong, you fight off colds. You can also feel your wei qi when someone around you is negative or angry, and an energetic barrier arises.

Last week I had a mole that seemed to bleed beneath the surface of the skin. I had been pondering skin cancer for a while, so of course, in my mind I had malignant melanoma. I looked at the energy of overgrown protection. Too much wei qi? Is there a difference between the inner and outer light? Is there anything real between them? The lines between me and others real in appearance, but not real.

When you see you aren’t an island unto yourself, nothing can harm you, because the lines of separation are simply an energetic function.

I sit here and let my mind wander back over my life – to positive, happy feelings and those of regret. It seems if I could somehow take those positive feelings and move toward more of them, my heart would be happy. And if I could correct the negative, there would be more happiness.

How could the artist that drew the portrait of life have chosen to paint such tragedy along with the beauty? Because the artist is not separate from the portrait. What kind of landscape would there be with only light and pastels?

The energy of love and connection longs to feel loved in return. There is still psychic energy trying to protect that need. The depth of loneliness behind it is unfathomable; yet when it is allowed, there is such anguishing joy to be held in the recognition of utter aloneness, which is oneness.

As a previously unconscious energy pattern rises to the surface, it moves from dense and opaque to transparent. I hurt for my loneliness, and everyone else’s. I want to be there to help everyone I encounter not feel lonely… So they don’t have to feel it. Then I don’t. Protection. Isn’t it ironic that protection lives with loneliness?

The bone marrow can’t seem to get that there is no one here dictating events. It still seems to pump out self will. There is resistance to the fact that I can’t make a single thing happen and I can’t protect myself from what seems to be happening. Thoughts are given, emotions are given, action is given. Positive emotions don’t make positive things happen any more than negative ones prevent them. The spleen claims it as mine, and makes it into flesh. I can’t shake off the feeling of protection, or speed it along. And beneath it all, there is nothing to protect. I feel it in my thymus gland.

All diseases arise from the heart; all healing comes from the heart. The heart they are referring to is not just the anatomic heart muscle; nor is it simply the emotion of love; the ancients call it shen.

Shen is the spiritual power depicted by the Chinese character:  ? representing an altar, through which extending influences flow from above/beyond. Other definitions of Shen include:

The very essence of divinity; Consciousness; Spirit, infused from heaven. Pure, infinite, cosmic light, a luminous  force of vitality which comes from the divine. Shen is the means through which the will of heaven is known. The Shen encompasses the highest mind of consciousness that provides insight and makes you conscious of who you are. It is the energy that enlivens the body and psyche. The Shen resides in the heart.  The Heart holds the office of Lord and Sovereign. The radiance of the spirits stems from it.

When the ancient emperor Huang Di queries the sage, Qi Bo he asks him how we can lose harmony with the spirit of nature so that disease can arise. He understands that before healing can happen, we must be “rooted in spirit.” And Qi Bo goes off on a discourse regarding the power of heaven.

Spirit, heaven, consciousness – the vibrant energy through which all is enlivened and known. Spirit brings all into existence, and to spirit essence returns. When we can enliven this power within, we enter a state of healing, which does not require the intermediary of a physician, a state of profound healing is at hand.; closer even than your thoughts. The Tao te Ching tells us – Use it as you will; it never runs dry.

Chinese medicine is essentially about one thing – healing the spirit. Before true change can occur, we must raise our consciousness to a level above where the disease has been manifesting. It is an inside job. A true “healer” does nothing beyond taking you into the power of your own shen. And they watch in amazement at the transformation that heaven brings about through your inner essence.

When individuals come to retreat, many are confused about the concept of true healing and what fertility has to do with the heart. Many have had less than profound experiences with acupuncture. On the first day, I tell them that my intention is to bring them to a place where a shift in consciousness occurs, and that which obstructed their energy loses hold. The essence of all life, yours and your child’s, will come from that which envelops the spirit – the heart. It flows into your womb and invites life.

A  true “healer” does not hold the attitude of “I know what to do and how to do it, and I will heal you.” A true “healer” is in a sate of awe, rooted in their spirit, so it can be enlivened in you. Anything else is quackery.

I am reminded of the pain of being separate from life every time I hold a retreat. The intense longing to touch the most precious expression of unconditional love is one of the most powerful forces I know. It is to meet life head on, scary in the intensity of its fragility.  A hopeful mother longs to bring forth life. Her attempts have failed her. Little by little, through the maze of infertility, she comes not closer to, but further away from this intimate expression, once felt to be so close at hand.

Visits to the doctor take her from hope to despair. Too old; too few eggs, too scarred, hormones too high, too low… now labs and medical procedures separate her from her hearts greatest desire. After a few IVF failures, she searches the internet. “Stay away from these foods,” sites say.  “Don’t exercise,” other well-meaning hopefuls say. Avoid alcohol, coffee, air travel, eat pure, local and organic. She now feels like these rules separate her from her child. With every suggestion, she feels like there is another barrier between her and her child.

These suggestions don’t necessarily make you more fertile; they may, however, make your life more balanced. They are not recipes to make babies. Why is it that life seems to come more easily to those who don’t try so hard? Perhaps the thickest barrier between you and your child happens to be all of the rules you are trying to adhere to in order to bring forth life. Life doesn’t adhere to rules; it defies them. Life comes to those who appear undeserving; those who eat poorly, who don’t care for themselves, who can’t afford children, who neglect and abuse them, and those who find another pregnancy a tragedy.

What I’m saying is this: Don’t separate yourself from life. Don’t try to be perfect. Don’t try to eat a perfect diet, think perfect thoughts, feel perfect feelings, go to perfect doctors who will give you a perfectly logical diagnosis with perfectly simple treatment options. Don’t try to be perfect; in fact, stop trying at all. Trying is the separating factor. Live your life. Let your future children come to you, as you are, not how you are trying to be to control their arrival. Be who you are, how you are. Don’t separate yourself from yourself. When you accept yourself and all of life totally, as it is, the internal conflict of trying disappears.

Free Conference Call with Dr. Randine Lewis – Sunday, March 17 @ 3:00 PM EST

“Inner Guidance”

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(Those calling from Canada should call 805-360-1075 and then you will be prompted to enter the original number and access code)

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The egg has been released, the fimbria (or fingers) of the fallopian tube has picked it up, and if sperm have made it through the vaginal canal, cervical opening, up the uterus and into the tube, fertilization is possible. If fertilization takes place, one cell becomes two, and the zygote, which means “union,” splits. Here the central tai ji pole, or original chong meridian, opens to heaven, where, the Taoists describe a poetic vision as the big dipper pours the essence of the stars into the new individual to provide it the spiritual essence for its upcoming life.

The liver meridian runs through the fallopian tube.  When its qi is unobstructed, fertilization is more likely. Liver qi stagnation can cause the fallopian tube to “clench”, and even may end up showing a false positive in an hysterosalpingogram.

In our reverse cycle energetic, required to create an individual through the pre-heavenly essence or prenatal creation, the liver directs its energy to the kidney, as blood feeds the essence. The kidney grasps the qi. The penetrating (chong) meridian arises from the uterus; and is the envelope through which consciousness chooses expression. According to the Ling Shu, (Spiritual Pivot, 1^st Century BCE), every day of the menstrual cycle, the qi descends via the Governing meridian, one vertebral process per day, until day 21, when it enters the chong meridian, which allows the mingling of heart fire and kidney water. If the parents essence have ignited the cosmic qi (or if the cosmic qi has allowed the parents essence to ignite…) the entrance of a new soul will enter into manifestation. This is the time of implantation. The palace of the child must communicate with the embryo, which is also emitting chemicals calling for a home. The endometrium expresses proteins that let the embryo know, “you have a home here.”

Held anger blocks the liver-kidney conversion. Excessive worry and anxiety can inhibit the spleen qi’s holding ability. What can you do to help this process most? Stay out of it. Nature did not intend for your involvement at this time.

If this magical union takes place, the lung (whose highest function is “releasing”,) directs prenatal creation as it calls the corpus luteum into increased production of progesterone to uphold the embryo during the first ten weeks, at which time the placenta will take over its function.

If the cosmic qi is not ignited, the lung directs a new cycle to begin; the uterus discharges its blood and a cycle of hope is renewed.