The Call to Motherhood

I recall the first stirrings in my heart to bring forth life. It was the deepest, most personal and authentic need I’ve ever known. It seems to me a man can’t know this feeling in the same way. It felt like an invitation to be overtaken by a love that would consume me completely. I couldn’t love each of my three children more. But none of them could fulfill this need to be consumed by love itself. They were expressions of love, not its fulfillment. Yet each of them has become a part of this extension of love itself, the most powerful force in existence.

I entered medical school after Theresa was born. I still had a deep longing for something unfinished. Chinese medicine followed, as did another marriage and two more children. Some deep current within pushed me unrelentingly, beyond the confines of a satisfied, comfortable life. Restlessness prevailed, guided by a love beyond satiation. I could not be fulfilled.

Chinese medicine and Eastern philosophy drove me deeper within, as did my own personal search for something which I couldn’t find. I didn’t know what it was, only that I must pursue it.

Fertility became my unrelenting passion. Within it held the direction that led to the source of life itself. The Taoists seemed to me to be closer to the source than any exteriorly focused belief or healing modality. The further I go with it, the more vast and miraculous this opening to love and the source of life becomes.

When I meet with individuals on this journey, it is that source which I try to show them, convey, and help them open to. When they merely are interested in how to control the physical expression. they miss the miraculous source itself. It’s like trying to manipulate the atmosphere by holding your breath.

The Tao te Ching says,

The Valley Spirit never dies.
It is called the Mysterious Feminine.
And the doorway to the mysterious feminine
It is the gateway through which heaven and earth arise.
It is there within you all the while.
Use it as you will;
It will never run dry.

This is the miraculous source. It can’t be forced, manipulated or controlled. It is there within you, beckoning you through this longing for life itself. Bring yourself to that doorway, which never runs dry.

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